while you are sleeping….

You woke up just a little while ago and mommy nursed you and changed your diaper. You’ve fallen back asleep rather quickly because you always do. You are such a good baby and mommy loves you soooo much. Mommy can’t seem to go back to sleep so I’ll spend my morning watching you sleep and listening  to all the little noises you make while your sleeping. Mommy has done this so many times already and will continue to do so  until your old  enough to  wake up and can say “MOM, stop watching me sleep”. I dread that day or any day that you won’t need me as much. Thoses days are coming far to soon. Right now your at the age where all you want is mommy and mommy loves that. If daddys got you you’ll  find a way to wiggle out of his arms and do your best to slide, pull and all other attempts at crawling to get to mommy. And that makes mommys heart smile. When you hold your little arms up and look at me with your  beautiful  face because you want mommy to pick you up. There is no better feeling than that feeling right there. You just give mommy so much happiness and joy every minute of every day.

You look so precious sleeping right now. Mommy wishes I could get away with taking a picture of you right now but I know the flash would wake you up. Mommy is so lucky to have you as my son. I still can’t believe sometimes that  mommy and daddy created such a special and wonderful gift and mommy thanks the heavens for you every day.  You are  the  absolute  joy and love of my life. Being your mommy is the best feeling and the biggest honor in the world. You always  make everything better. The day you came into this world and mommy held you for the first time, you made mommy better. Mommy didn’t feel lost and sad like she had been feeling for years anymore. Mommy thought that I would just always feel like that. But as soon as the doctor put you on mommys tummy those feelings disapeared and I can’t even remember what  being sad and lost  feels likes anymore. You were so little but you made such a HUGE impact in my life that day and continue to every day.  I was always so sad and felt so lost my whole life even after  mommy fell in love with daddy  and we got married those feelings were still there. I now know finally after 31 years why I had those feelings, mommy was waiting for you. I knew God had a purpose for me in this world I just wasn’t sure what it might be. I just knew that there was something in me missing.

All the emptiness that I had just assumed would be there forever, as soon and I mean as soon as you were layed on my tummy it was like God himself came down and placed his hand over the both of us. Every sad, hurt , lost, negative  feeling  i’ve ever had vanished . Then my heart filled and filled and filled up with so much joy, happiness and love and as I looked down at you my new son you looked up at me and immediately fell madly in love with this chubby little baby that I knew would keep my up many nights, vomit all over me, go #1 and #2 on me at some point, make me worry 24/7 about if i’m doing something wrong or if this is how it goes or not. But I was ready for it all then and I am still ready to take care of you and love you and be a good mommy to you and do everything I can to help you become a smart, loving, compassionate, considerate, helpful and honest young man. These have been the absolute best 8 months of my life, being your mother and I can’t wait for all more months and years to come. They can only get better because I have you as a son. Thank you God for finally giving me my one purpose in life, to be his mother and I will be a very good and loving one I promise. Mommy loves you baby boy. See you when you wake up. xoxox